As someone who values emotional granularity, I find the subjective nature of emotional description to be rather contentious. By no means am I an emotions expert, however, the fact is there seems to be a saturation of definitions for each emotion, yet the whole idea of emotional granularity is to pinpoint specific nuances and parse the overlaps. However, we all agree that an experience can be made up of any combinations of emotions, all in varying amounts.
Has anyone thought of things like this? In the same way there are primary colours, one can think of primary emotions, in shades and gradients, not unlike the hexadecimal format, able to make different emotions by mixing together in different proportions, interpreted by the conscious agent as splatters on a canvas, in a kaleidoscopic 3D image, with emotions colouring the surface, background and foreground, in multiple layers. Thus, the experiences we share make up the quantum stills animating what we call life.
In optics, white is the culmination of all colours, while black is the absence. But if you mix coloured paints together, you get black instead. I suppose it’s how you look at it. That’s just what I think.
One thing I struggle with are the negative opinions of others. I know, I know. It's almost a cliche to say "who cares what other people think?" Understandably so. You can't be ruled by what others think. It's just, sometimes I feel like the negative opinions of others around me manifest physically, as if they have some tangible mass, often around my shoulder blades, restricting my movement. If I had wings there, I feel like they'd be gripped and held in place.
Gotta say, hard to feel all empowered when this is what you work with. They're not some ephemeral flighty thing anymore. I almost don't understand people who can just dismiss the wishes, opinions, or even vitriol of others. I always feel so drawn to forgo my thoughts and opinions to adhere to whoever is in front of me, no matter if I would actually agree or not. Even if I can have thoughts of my own, it feels so difficult to latch on to them, as if I can't wipe off the feeling of other people's opinions, and my own stuff is behind some translucent glass door, while my hands are tied behind my back. I want to reach them, I do. I just want to feel safe again.
If there's one gift you can receive from selfish people is that you can be selfish and the world, in fact, does not blow up! Truly, a godsend for neurotic do-gooders like me who constantly try and fret over doing the right thing and blessing as many people as I can in whatever way seems most feasible. Takes the pressure off. Sure, I'm human, and know what it's like to be swept up in being self-absorbed, and am consciously trying to avoid that, but if I'm even trying to do this, I'm on the right path. (For some people, it's not even on their radar.)
I just wish things were easier. That's all. I'm sure they will be one day. If there's one thing I know, is that you can condition people to feel guilty, or shameful, about anything really, to the point where it becomes automatic. If you realise it has to come from somewhere, often from yourself, it helps you feel it through and then decide not to feel it anymore. (Turns out you kinda actually can decide that!) If I can from where I am, I'm sure you can too!
Blissfully yours,
Kaelme (Kay-Lum)
