Since right before 2020, I've been struggling with rebuilding myself to what I used to be like. Stronger, bolder, more self-assured. Not only was I capable, and confident, I also didn't let anyone push me around. Now I'm struggling to remind myself that "I have a say in how people treat me," because I have felt as is it was fundamentally the opposite. I can't help but feel as if I've been nerfed ever since. That's no way to live.
I suppose it's odd, but not wholly uncommon, to look to your younger self for not only wisdom, but stability. Almost as if their unrivaled innocence and naivety allowed them to be strong. Only concerned about the present moment, and thus less weighted down. It's a virtue in many spiritual sects, as the innocent are said to be more connected to God. But so is authenticity.
As much as I value authenticity, I have not valued it more than my desire for warmth and approval. To think, even by that standard, I've been unable to get it. I truly feel as if I've failed.
Currently, I'm working on many projects. Thus, I have people to support. It's inspiring really, the positive change you can put out in the world. It gives you the strength you need to step up to the plate.
Recently, after making much progress in one, I immediately wanted to call a friend and tell them. Which, isn't bad in and of itself, but I realized how much I wanted them to be proud of me. Or at least approve.
It's winter as of writing this, and a particularly brutal one at that. The frigid air stokes my feelings of loneliness, with it's bony brittle hand. How often I long for a hug, or a pat on the head. Someone to say "you're doing great! Everything's going to be fine!"
One worry I've had is that embracing my strength would, not only interfere with my needs for approval and to be taken care of. (As if I'm too strong now, no one would think to take care of me, which is more of what I want.) I'd hate to be too intimating. A part of me wishes to be seen as someone with deep emotional needs, that could be met with and by others, in a way that wouldn't be morally or developmentally irresponsible, but wonderful. Why has it been so hard to find someone who'd think it was wonderful?
Not only that, but it's as if being more capable would invite calamity again, to "teach me a proverbial lesson," lest I get too big headed. As if I suddenly needed to know who's boss again, being evidentially, not me. Foolish to thing I could have such a say in my destiny like that, in case I ever started thinking I could.
Though none of that is true, as oddly uncomfortable as it is for me to admit that. A student of metaphysics should know that better than anyone. Stepping outside the cage of your negative beliefs sounds liberating in theory, but sometimes it feels like you might get struck by lightening every step you take, making you want to cling to the metal bars the further along you go. One day, I won't even miss it, but we're not there yet.
I think what I've been missing from my life, and that feels like has been missing from a lot of people's lives, post-pandemic, is the basic Faith that some level of adversity will make you stronger. Of course, it needs to be a healthy level of adversity, which harsh trauma never is.
Netzach is associated with victory. Victory implies a trial or hurdle to overcome. Which is why Netzach is often associated with burdens. Which is why it's also associated with endurance. Netzach is also Venus, and all forms of love, especially romantic. One could say my eternal fixation with romance is actually quite fitting.
Sometimes, I tire of my own problems. Other times, I'm back where I started wishing for someone to be by my side again. I'm trying to enter my self-love era now, no longer seeing it as a consolation prize. My old self would have never thought of it as such. So neither should I now.
Blissfully yours,
Kaelme (Kay-Lum)
