I don’t think I’ve grown due to competition... I don’t think I ever have…
Here met out for a sec! We all know we are often taught and led to believe certain things, without giving it a second thought, and simply accepting it to be the case, and always having been, but really, I think this is one for me… I’ve never put it into words before.
Going through a rigorous academic program and having been surrounded by it in university, whenever someone used the word “competitive” to describe anything, I would internally roll my eyes, understanding the implicit air of elitistism, (which, if you’ve looked at politics recently, isn’t doing us favors. It’s not a compliment!)
For much time I have given up the notion of harsh restrictive learning, because your brain can’t function, let alone grow, with too much stress, but I’ve grown up with this pretense that one often has to undergo rigorous training and standards with which only a select proportion can grow and continue. This is essentially competition. And frankly? I think it’s overrated.
Because when I finally decided to really examine the things I’m unequivocally good at, singing, arguably prose, scientific analysis, and actually asking if that mindset or environment made a positive impact, honestly no! I don’t even mean a net positive impact. I mean, any movement in the right direction. We’re not even going into how it has shackled elements of my life.
You know what has helped? Relativity! Which can be parsed from competition. They're just so inextricably linked in society that it's a "blink and you'll miss it" difference. Because I can look at someone and be like “oh! That’s a thing you can do? That’s really cool! Maybe I could try and learn it!” or "if they can do it, so can I!" by understanding differences.
My greatest accomplishments and spurts of growth in those areas have always been due to inspiration, whims of passion and intrigue, often understanding there to be a delta between point and a point b I wanted to cross. I get better at singing from hearing other really good inspiring singers. I get better at writing because I feel like writing. The difference being that had something to compare to and I thought it’d be fun. It was something to do. People inspire me. Even the notion of “competition with yourself” begins to get foggy, when you realize you’re growing on a whim and think something is cool. You notice you’re different maybe, but it might be more like comradery. Like a friendly rivalry. This doesn’t mean you don’t give serious dedicated effort. That is a muscle to build. But the grandiosity is completely stripped away. If anything, I’m cooperating with myself and others, to achieve my desired outcome. Cooperating with those who far surpass me.They just don’t know they’re helping me!
The difference is, one is scarcity and lack based, while another is rooted in joy and playfulness. Not to say I haven’t tried growing through competition. I got that muscle from somewhere! But that stuff catches up to you real quick. (This is me we’re talking about. Can’t drink, do drugs, or skip sleep because my body says no sooner than average. If I’m supposed to envy others because of that, longterm, I don’t see why.) After all, as someone who did 6 years for a Bachelor’s, I really think I’ve taken life at my own pace, which allowed for the most growth.
Not to say I don’t think one could grow otherwise, nor has engaging in such play always resulted in desired growth. We’re not about to suggest the most qualified shouldn’t be leading the charge. Assessment is undoubtedly useful. But does it not interest you that this entirely different way of living was sitting in front of your eyes, and all you had to do was think a little harder, and challenge assumptions?
I suppose it's very Gen Z of me. Dropping out of the rat race, before it's even begun, because we've seen the empty promises failure to pan out.
Survival of the fittest is overrated! I’d rather grow through spontaneous bursts of inspiration and divinity. Once I learn how to levitate, it’s over for you bitches! Does that make you fit? Maybe. But a finite competition? What good has it done me? I honestly can’t think of anything.
Blissfully yours,
Kaelme (Kay-Lum)
